YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
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Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Very problematic
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.