1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
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Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.