God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
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Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants