*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
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I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”