Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
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I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again