Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
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olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.