I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
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When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
We all have our pet causes.