Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
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I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more