Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
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age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.