I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
You Might Also Like
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober