if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
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You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
When someone trying to leave me
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
never compromise your values
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]