You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
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That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
decorating my apartment
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.