I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
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A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse