[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
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[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”