If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
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I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power