HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
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Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
never compromise your values
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me