[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
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Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.