My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
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Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
He’s dead
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.