Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
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GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Something Saturday.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times