Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
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“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.