Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
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Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers