I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
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John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Real House Wines.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off