10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
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[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.