(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
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I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home