*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
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Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.