Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
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Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Don’t talk down to me
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I want what they have
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.