My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
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I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.