learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
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[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados