What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
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Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.