sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
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I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
the rocks need my help
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.