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I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷‍♀️
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Um … Hot Wings please
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls