Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
You Might Also Like
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face