I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
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Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy