Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
You Might Also Like
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Attacked by a mop.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.