Don’t tell me what to do
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I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.