History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
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What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
My inexpensive home security system…
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth