superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
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if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
fair
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
the noise i just made
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
This is so me 😂😂
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.