My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
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[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Ape together strong
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be