I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
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{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?