I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
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Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds