I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
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Geez man, take it easy.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
You鈥檝e attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you鈥檙e not an imposter.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 馃槧
Today: I can’t get groceries. 馃槕
If you鈥檝e never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I鈥檓 about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
You know it鈥檚 really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That鈥檚 why I do it.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
are they though??
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.