“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
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Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
sliding into dms like
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
This hospital has everything
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️