Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
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(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Not all heroes wear capes….
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I had to Stop for this
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
This did not end as expected.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.