Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
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[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
I am, perchance
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.