Friday
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What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Growing out my freckles.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
PER MY LAST EMAIL