THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
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facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I don’t get marriage
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-