I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
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Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.