Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
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FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
PARKOUR
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.