I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
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WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
SCARY COSTUME
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Finished stitching this today 😇
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
My dad.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.