If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
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If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Good news
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
🌱🌱🌱
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Bond. Trauma bond.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.