My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
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[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
I’ve been drinking.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.